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Original song The longest Time Original artist Billy Joel -------------------------- Woh, oh-oh-oh Find the Longest Path Woh oh-oh Find the Longest Path If you said P is NP tonight There would still be papers left to write I have a weakness I'm addicted to completeness And I keep searching for the longest Path The algorithm I would like to see Is of Polynoimal Degree Buts its elusive, Nobody has found conclusive Evidence that we can find the Longest Path I have been hard Working for so long I swear its right, But he marks it wrong Somehow I'll feel sorry when its done GPA 2.1, Is more than I hoped for Garey, Johnson, Karp and other Men (and Women) Try to make it Order n log n. Am I a math fool If I spend my life in Grad School Forever following the Longest Path. Woh oh-oh-oh Find the longest path Woh oh-oh-oh Find the longest pathAnd here is an email I got (11/14/02) about this song:
Hi, I created the song "Find the Longest Path" that you have posted at [snip]. I wrote it while a grad student at Johns Hopkins University on May 1, 1988, during a difficult "Algorithms II" final exam. I also recorded the song and it's been played at several mathematics conferences. If you wouldn't mind, please credit me as author on your site. Thanks! -- Dan Barrett http://www.blazemonger.com/
Perhaps it isn't in their interest for us to realize otherwise.
The following is a list of myths perpetuated by the politically correct controllers:
FALSE. The measured cranial capacity of the species Felis Domesticus reveals it to be 78% smaller than the average white male. [Source: "The Litterbox of the Left", National Alliance Press (c) 1995]
FALSE. While the elite minority would have you believe this lie, research indicates otherwise. In a recent study, 93% of Americans stated that they do NOT worship cats. In fact, most Americans believe they should all be sent back to Siam, where their nefarious tactics won't adulterate family values. [Source: "New Tender Vittles, or Jew Vendor Titles?", National Alliance Press (c) 1989]
FALSE. Many mistake their subversive nature for aloofness or independence. In reality, all cats are secretly plotting to rob every white being on this planet of his freedom. Ever wonder why all cats stare at things that aren't there? The media would like us to think that they're confused or chasing insects; in fact, they communicate with the CIA/World Jewish Congress by means of floating radio transmitters. [Source: "Cat's Cradle Robber", National Alliance Press (c) 1991]
FALSE. During the era before Christ when Jews and pagans ruled the earth, cats were worshipped as gods. After the teachings of Christ became law, cats were recognized for their true nature and put to death. It was not until the secular humanists and communists of the Renaissance began their thought-control campaign that cats were again the subject of idol worship.
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-
secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %$!.
on the
Conduct and Procedure of the
by
Ruth Smythers
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most
terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding
itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful
and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to
provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative
side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the
piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible
experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual
husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule
of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND
ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper
marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom
to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one
who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the
purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot
be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise
bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make
every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good
wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by
the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end
of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their
child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all
sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his
love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the
home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind
and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety
of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others
performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female
body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious
habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body
to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton
nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should
be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning the sex
act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should
let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to
deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he
attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her
gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull
the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature
calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss
in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter
how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual
contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The
wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the
waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus
make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
(sic) huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly
still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act
is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him
to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their
sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the
act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this
period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try
for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to
the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half
cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
Although we really don't like phone sex, because that's something which
really classy women who advertise on the internet don't do, we'd be
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could just give us your Visa card number, and we will give you incredibly
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Our web site has our portfolio on it, and if you have any questions about
the photographs, we will be happy to answer them -- remember they may
look like poorly scanned photographs from Playboy, but that was the
artistic "look" that we were trying to achieve. We are not into S&M, but
we know you probably are, so that's OK with us. We know you are probably
very lonely and desperate, but that's fine. Lonely men with poor grooming
habits who don't go out much really turn us on, until we finish accessing
your account.
But our real love is the mystical world. How many times have you said to
yourself, "I'd really love to get ambiguous, unverifiable advice from a
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5, no make that 3 milliseconds." We guarantee that if you are willing to
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And of course we have hundreds of opportunities to earn BIG BUCKS at home
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If you are interested in any of these great opportunities call us at
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Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant.
One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have
some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and
volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by
Shannon Banyan during my Freshman year, and take into account the
fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations
with her, then 2 cannot be true, therefore, hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
BY WILLIAM J. BROADSWORD
Although earlier reports from eyewitnesses along with a preliminary
statement by military personnel who visited the alleged crash site
suggested that what had landed may have been of extraterrestrial origin,
Air Force officials told reporters that materials recovered from the area
prove "beyond any possible doubt" that the incident was due to a downed
weather balloon released earlier in the week to track dust-storm activity
near Olympus Mons.
In a special press conference held late this afternoon at the Pyramid,
Col. R.J. "Dusty" Crater held up a fragment of torn fabric recovered from
the crash site to prove to reporters that the material could not possibly
have been of alien origin. "See," Col. Crater explained, "it's just bits
of thin cloth like material. Does this look in any way like part of a
spacecraft from another planet? You can all go home now."
Flying saucer buffs and conspiracy theorists were quick to discount the
official explanation, however. "We've seen this all before," remarked
Walt Hynek, director of the 3,000-member Martian Universal Flying Object
Network (MUFON). "This is just the typical official song and dance they
always use to distract the media while they cover up the physical
evidence. We saw the same thing when something came down back in '76. Now
that entire area of Mars is off limits to civilians, so we'll never be
able to discover the truth. I think it's about time the public was allowed
to know the real story."
Astronomers interviewed by the New Cydonia Times scoffed at the notion
that extraterrestrial visitors would land in one of the least interesting
regions of Mars. "Why wouldn't they land near something obviously
important, like the Great Stone Head, instead of in the middle of a vast
desert?" one asked. "No form of advanced intelligence would land where
there's nothing of interest to observe but rocks."
Cydonia University astronomer Carl Smajan was equally skeptical. "Where
could such a craft possibly come from?" asked Dr. Smajan. "There are
simply no planets in the solar system which have an atmosphere like ours.
Some people have suggested they could come from Earth, but there's far too
much oxygen in the atmosphere there. Any organisms would burn up
immediately. This has been proven in laboratory experiments with Martian
bacteria."
"We've heard claims of landed alien spacecraft for decades now," Smajan
said. "But, I ask you, where is the proof? How come we don't have so much
as an alien water extractor on display in the Cydonia National Museum?
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence!"
Alien-contact enthusiasts were unperturbed by such rational arguments,
however, contending the evidence must have been taken into custody by
military personnel. Rumors and conspiracy theories were running rampant.
One wild-eyed witness actually claimed he say a tiny alien space car
driving slowly across the desert.
"We'll never win this debate," Col. Crater remarked. "The true
believers out there just aren't willing to accept that we're alone
in the universe. Nothing we say or do will ever convince them
otherwise."
I consider just ignoring it, but if I don't pick up, it will ring
through to the president's house. I don't need to hear from him about
being accessible to the clients. Besides, this early, it has to be
nothing more then a call for information.
I answer the phone:
Me: Technical support. May I help you?
Moron: Yes! I want you to cancel my account!
(I really need this first thing in the morning)
Moron, being very belligerent: You said you had 13,000 news groups on
your system.
Me: Yes sir we have access to 13,000 or
so news groups.
Moron: Well I signed up yesterday, and
you said you had 13,000 news
groups. I brought up my news reader, and it only downloaded 5800
newsgroups. The only reason I sign up with YOU people was because YOU
said you had 13,000 news groups!
(I remember this luser. It took me over 2 hours telling him how to
configure win95. I hate him, and he will pay for this)
Me sounding ever so helpful: Yes sir we
do have access to them. We
just don't subscribe to them all because a good number are in foreign
languages, and some are basically duplicate news groups. If....
(This moron then interrupts me. Life as he knows it is about to end)
Soon to be deceased Moron: Don't give me
that crap you liar!
(oh, he's really put his foot in it), I signed up because you said you
had these news groups! You lied to me to get my money! Cancel my
account!
Me, still trying to be nice: Sir, if
there is a newsgroups you want,
and we don't have it, please tell us and we will get it for you.
Moron: Well how the hell am I supposed to
know what I want to read, if
it isn't there?
Me, trying to determine the best way to exact my revenge on this
luser: Sir, we maintain the list on our ftp site, and we
explain all
this in the "Welcome to our service" E-mail we send you.
Moron: I didn't read that shit, I don't
have time to, so I deleted it.
(It's beginning to sound like he deleted a few brain cells too)
Me: Sir, I really think you should
reconsider. I spent 2 hours on the
phone with you working through the set-up configuration. I really
don't want you to quit just because of this slight mis-understanding.
(Like I care he wants to quit. The only reason I want him to stay, is
because he hasn't given me his credit card number yet)
Moron: I don't give a fuck about spending
2 hours. As far as i'm
concerned, it was a waste of my time! Now cancel my account.
*SLAM* (luser slams the phone down)
Hmm. Well, he wants to be canceled, and who am I to argue with him?
Let's see...Ahh, here's his account. Hmm, nothing in it but the usual
shit, like what he has in his skull. Well, clickity-click rm -r and
that's that!
Now to finish the job. Where's that telephone book? Ahh here it is.
*flip flip flip* Right! just what I was looking for.
Hello? Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol and Firearms? I want to report some
strange things at (I look up the address of the luser) 123 Oak drive.
The next day, I come in to the office, take the phone off the hook,
delete the messages on the answering machine, and make myself
comfortable.
Then I read in the paper about how some school teacher was
shot the night before by a combine force of FBI and BATF agents. It
seems they had a tip that he was going to shoot the president or
something. What a coincidence. Still, I think the aircraft rocketing
this guys house was a bit much.
I think will E-mail cousin Simon and ask if I did the right thing.
After all, I am new to this sort of thing, and I want to be the best
Support Technician from Hell possible.
Why does 2+2=5? I'm close to finishing an M. Sc. in Mathematics, and
I still haven't figured it out!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Permit me to suggest that your manifest talent is wasted in a field as
restrictive and dogmatic as math when you have the makings of a top
management guru. Your main difficulty is to make the transition
between two such different fields. Fortunately, there is a discipline
(sic) available in all self-respecting modern universtities which not
only overlaps both Math and Management, but has the advantage that
success in it requires neither the personal contacts of the first nor
the rigor of the second. I refer, of course, to economics.
Your first step is to enroll yourself to the Economics faculty. This
needs some care; you won't have any trouble from the lecturers and
professors - no-one working in a field which invented "seasonal
adjustments" and "invisible imports" is going to blink at the sudden
appearance of a new masters candidate - but the administrators are
another matter. Best do it out of normal hours; Feynman has some
useful hints.
Now, your economics thesis. Your incomplete math one will serve
nicely as a start, but you'll have to do something about those
equations. It's not that they're wrong (they are but don't worry
about that just now), it's just that there are too many of
them. Economists don't like equations, they prefer human interest
stories, though naturally they don't call them anything so
understandable. You're a little short of time for a full-scale
investigation, but fortunately a "small-scale survey" supplemented by
"anecdotal evidence" will do just as well. Intersperse these with the
more impressive of the equations from your math thesis, and include
it, unedited, as an appendix. Make sure you identify it as "work in
progress" (in small print) to explain its incompleteness to anyone who
notices. Finally, you need a better title that intrigues without
actually being innaccurate, something like "2+2=5? Possible effects of
a new paradigm in an academic environment."
The audacity of your central premise will guarantee success -
economists are fashion junkies, sorry, they "place a high marginal
value on novelty", and you'll be asked to join the faculty. Agree, but
but *only on a part-time basis*, because you will need time to oversee
your new economics/management consultancy company (which will
conversely, of course, gain credibility from your position on the
economics faculty). You will have little difficulty acquiring and
satisfying clients - business is always on the lookout for someone
with an air of authority and independence to reassure them that what
they've already decided is the Right Way, and the management
consultancy industry exists to service this need.
Only one thing is now needed to achive guru-hood in your new
profession: the best-selling book. Dust down that old thesis again,
and rewrite it in a popular style. It's not difficult; cut out all the
remaining equations, add the amusing tales you've heard when
consulting (the corporations can't be identified, of course, but your
author profile will mention who you've been "advising", and everyone
will have fun trying to match the stories to the companies), simplify
and exagerate the human interest, *make it sound as if it's something
the person in the office cube needs to know*. Most important, give it
a snappy title covering contemporary concerns, eg, "2+2=5! How to
Succeed in the New Millenium!"
From now on, your main concern will be which requests and offers to
turn down. Lecture tours are OK, honorary professorships do no harm
but visiting ones, being paid, are better. You don't advise
corporations any longer, but you may be prepared to consider leading
seminars for their top management. Instant opinions for the media: CNN
is OK, Playboy Channel isn't (sorry about that). You can afford to be
consulted by a few presidents and prime ministers - think of it as a
loss leader.
Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become involved with the
World Bank or even worse with the Federal Reserve Board. No-one likes
accountants.
You owe the Oracle 20% of the gross as creative consultant, and
another 20% as agent, let me see, by your reckoning that makes 50%.
Sir:
It has come to our attention that you still continue to
spread wild speculations and outright falsehoods regarding one
Bill Gates.
As you well know, at no time has Mr. Gates been involved
in midnight cauldron-stirring events, world domination plans
or intentional bug^H^H^H^H unexpected feature introduction.
Since you have already been warned in the past, you must
now cease this behavior immediately. Continued actions on your
part will result in the largest legal onslaught in history.
Your latest response, consisting of qouting our entire
correspondence followed by the line 'Huh?', does not fool us.
We are quite aware of who you are and what you have been
up to. We trust you would like to keep some of the more, uh,
intimate details out of the courts of law.
You still have 24 hours to respond before actions commence.
Sirs:
Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention
your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned
entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any
litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit
will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all
of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel"
of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when
you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering
things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and
eat them.
We hope that you will consider these points carefully before
commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have
your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short
lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric
hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
Respectfully yours,
pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
Oracle, who is most clever and all that, knowing pretty much everything
there is to know etc etc, generally speaking a bit of a brainy box, you
know?
Can you tell me just how much NASA have spent getting that thing to the
planet Mars and just what do they expect to find there ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Actually, you'll be pleased to know the answer is - not a cent of
public money. The program is being funded in line with a new government
policy to cut taxes, which is that funds are to raised through
soul-bartering. It goes like this:
Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator:
Damn, it's going to cost a couple of
mill to get this little toy buggy thing to Mars. I'd sell my
soul for the space program!
*puff of smoke*
The Devil (looking like Ned Flanders):
That can be arranged!
Impressed with the efficiency of this plan, other levels of government
have been joining in:
Bill Clinton: Damn, those Republicans
are going to eat me alive if I
can't balance the budget. And the courts are going to roast me over
that Paula chick. I'd sell my soul to be out of this mess!
*puff of smoke*
The Devil: That can be arranged!
Other prominent leaders are trying it too:
*no puff of smoke. A sinister voice floats up through the floorboards:
Doesn't work twice, Bill!
You owe the Oracle ... your heart and mind, supplicant. (evil laugh)
While not technically in the Bible, such verses are found in the
book of Bucky, one of the lost books of the Bible, so Taura's sort of
right. I mean, it could have easily been in the Bible, except it was
only discovered in 1732 by a goatherder who was trying to hide the body
of a rival and stumbled across the tattered scrolls in a long-forgotten
cavern in upstate New York. Any day now, a new council could be convened
to vote on its inclusion.
In fact, a few sects here and there, chief among them the New Modern
Post-Mormonites of Ogden, UT, already include it in their version of the
Bible. They are a rare exception, however, and the book of Bucky has been
largely forgotten by the Christian world. Oddly enough, a small tribe in
Papua New Guinea has made it the entirety of their own version of the
Bible. No one knows where they obtained their copy, nor why it's written
in Pig Latin. This subject is a sort of hobby of mine, and I've been
trying for years to arouse interest in serious study. Anthropologists
have thus far expressed little interest in exploring the subject, sadly.
They show the blind resistance to new ideas typical of the narrow-minded
fools who have been holding back the advance of science for centuries.
They give lame excuses like, "You're making this up, right?" and "I told
you to stop calling me! The police are tracing this call right now!" and
"Was that you outside my window last night, you psycho?" I shall
persevere, however, and some day soon, the book of Bucky will take its
rightful place alongside Ruth and Ethel. Or is that Esther?
Anyway, the book of Bucky makes numerous references to matters furry,
all of them quite negative. Examples (translated by me, (c)1996 -- I know
a lawyer, so don't even think of copying me!) follow:
I hope this report will help spread interest in the book of Bucky, and
if anyone out there happens to be a practicing anthropologist, you might
want to think about studying the McLagla tribe. Please?
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
Assignment:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.
The Young Bride's Handbook
FOR THE
YOUNG BRIDE
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Spiritual Guidance Press,
New York City
Spam Ultimate
Hi, even though I use a man's name online, I'm really a collective of
between 15 and 20 fabuously attractrive young woman all of whom are
seriously interested in fetish culture, modelling, and hot phone sex, we
also give psychic readings, and have a sure fire method where you can earn
between $15,000 and $900,000, no, make that $100,000 every week,
all in the comfort of your own dirt laden hovel. This is a chain letter,
if you do not send it to at least 45,000, no, make that 75,000 people at
random, you will die -- like in the next 5, no make that 3 minutes.
Flame Ultimate
... I guess that morons will be morons. There is no reasoning with
them. So I'll end with a flame:
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[ ] "Me too" er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Scientologist [ ] Scammer [ ] Pre-teen
[ ] Cryogenic [ ] Loser [X] Stupidity Poster Child
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You are a LOSER!
[ ] You are an insignificant peasant!
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply.
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread.
[ ] You must be sucking an appendage of some sort.
[ ] You like sheep way to much.
[ ] You started an off-topic thread.
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message.
[ ] You replied to the above message type believing it was someone
famous.
[ ] You make no sense. (See sucking an appendage)
[ ] You said "me too" to something.
[ ] You suck.
[ ] You brag about things that never happened.
[ ] Your sig/alias/server is dreadful.
[ ] You made up slang then used it in a message.
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad.
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice.
[ ] You posted a make money quick scam.
[X] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
worthless that you are being flamed anyway.
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[X] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Be Senator Exon's love slave
[ ] Tell your Mommy to up your medication
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
In Closing, I'd Like to Say
[ ] Blow me
[X] Get Wrecked
[ ] Go tell your mother/father/test tube they failed
[ ] Get a clue, you pathetic loser
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc...
[ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or get off of Usenet
[ ] All of the above
Thank you, and have a nice day.
Test in Physics
A true story: A thermodynamics professor had written a take home
exam for his graduate students.
It had one question:
Landing on Mars
Background: The foloowing appeard in the net a few days after a
Pathfinder - a mobile vehicle of NASA landed on Mars.
The New Cydonia Times * July 6, 1997
(All the Official PR That Fits)
====================================
Tales from Technical Support
Well, I just arrived in the office at my usual time, somewhere around
10ish, and the phone rings. That's what I get for trying to take my
jacket off first, rather then the phone off the hook.
Me, putting on my make nice to the luser
persona: What is the problem sir?
What is the problem? Well this guy is always ranting about the
government, and he has a lot of guns. I think I even saw a machine gun
in his garage.
Yes sir, I was in the army. It looked like an M60.
Yes sir, he's always wearing camouflage, and I know he belongs to some
right-wing militia group. I think it's called the Skinhead Alliance or
something.
He also has these really weird religious practices, and he is
constantly hitting his kids
Yes sir, I agree. It's a good thing I called you. Say, isn't your
budget due for renewal about now? It is? Well Agent Brooks, it's good
to know men like you are here to protect the citizens from these
dangerous radicals. My name? I would rather stay out of this if you
don't mind. He has friends, and it would be best if they didn't know
who I was..
Yes sir, Just trying to help sir. Thank you agent Brooks. Be careful
with how you deal with this guy. He's forever saying he will shoot the
first federal agent who steps on his property.
No thanks are necessary, Just get this lunatic before he hurts
someone.
*click* I hang up the phone, and sit back. Well that will teach him to
insult me this early in the morning.
Why does 2+2=5?
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Microsoft against the Internet Oracle
To: Internet Oracle
From: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
NASA, the devil, and Microsoft
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Goldin: Satan? You'll give me the money?
The Devil: Sure, sign this paper.
Goldin: (reads, and signs) "To The
Prince Of Darkness, in exchange for
a space program, One Soul".
The Devil: ... And here's the cash! See you in hell!
Clinton: Satan? Gee, thems pointy horns!
The Devil: Sign on the dotted line.
Clinton: (reads, then signs) "To The
Prince of Darkness, in exchange
for one balanced budget and one not so messy court case, My Soul"
The Devil: Aha! This is fun! See you in hell!
Bill Gates: Hey, I *could* be richer!
I'd sell my soul for a total
stranglehold on the world!Crimes - what NOT to do
Florida:
A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a
ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the
guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS
IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then
the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and
doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life,
because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't
have drawn and fired before the thief shot him. The
thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
"Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a ****-up!"
Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash
machine by running a chain from the machine to the
bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the
front panel off the machine though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the
machine. With their bumper still attached to the
chain. With their vehicle's license plate still
attached to the bumper.
South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police
station dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter,
informed the desk sergeant that was substandard cut,
and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately. He was immediately arrested.
Louisiana:
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk
and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through
a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk
called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They
put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The
thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."
Seattle:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to
find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motorhome's sewage tasnk by mistake. The owner of
the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.
Newark:
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and
mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman
taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that
answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and
wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the
thief was arrested. (An aside: this cop is way too smart
to work in New London, Connecticut!)
Newark:
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at
7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned
him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed
for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the
four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving
should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must
be alive to qualify.
THAT WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
"Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the
courtroom.
Reasons against furry
>>2 Christian churches are okay, furry sites are to be burned down
>> (also according to the good book)
>
>Excuse me? If you can cite me any Bible verse that says anything about
>"furry sites are to be burned down," I will be startled.
>>Still don't believe me? it's all in the good book.
>
>I don't believe you, and I've *read* the Bible. Start quoting me scripture
>verses, and I might start giving you credence. Make sure to make specific
>references to the New Testament, as that is the foundation of
>Christianity.
"If any man should read 'Genus,' the wrath of the Lord shall smite
him, and the plagues of Egypt shall render him like unto miserable."
-- Bucky 3:18
"Look ye not upon the Press of the Antarctic, for it is an abomination
unto My eyes."
-- Bucky 10:13
"Thou shalt not suffer a church of fur to stand. Purify it with
cleansing fire, and make thou certain to douse it thoroughly with water
before thou doth leave, for oftentimes embers do smoulder unseen. Stir it
mightily, then douse it again. Only thou can prevent forest fires."
-- Bucky 12:2-5
"Consort ye not with the lovers of animals, for they are unclean and an
abomination unto the Lord. Verily, I know not what I was thinking when I
created them."
It kind of goes on in that vein at length, before veering off into
matters of personal hygiene, alfalfa growing, comments on the mating
habits of certain migratory birds, and a series of vague prophecies that
point to a climactic battle between Pretty Good and Kind Of Wicked which
will take place in a small hidden valley in an unexplored region of the
Middle Eastern desert, and thus will go unnoticed by the world at large
(it'll end in a tie -- sorry to ruin the surprise, but I hate to keep
people in suspense). It ends with a couple of recipes for fig bread.
-- Bucky 15:1-2
Last modified: Tue Apr 21 10:07:15 CDT 2009