Home Bookmarks Papers Blog




Why God did not get tenure.

  1. He had only one major publication.
  2. It was in Hebrew.
  3. It had no references.
  4. It wasn't published in a referenced journal.
  5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
  6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since than?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
  9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
  10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
  11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
  12. He rarely came to class, just told the students to read the book.
  13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
  14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Longest-path, Daniel Barrett.

Original song The longest Time
Original artist Billy Joel

Woh, oh-oh-oh
Find the Longest Path
Woh oh-oh
Find the Longest Path
If you said P is NP tonight
There would still be papers left to write
I have a weakness
I'm addicted to completeness
And I keep searching for the longest Path

The algorithm I would like to see
Is of Polynoimal Degree
Buts its elusive,
Nobody has found conclusive
Evidence that we can find the Longest Path

I have been hard
Working for so long
I swear its right,
But he marks it wrong
Somehow I'll feel sorry when its done
GPA 2.1,
Is more than I hoped for

Garey, Johnson, Karp and other Men (and Women)
Try to make it Order n log n.
Am I a math fool
If I spend my life in Grad School
Forever following the Longest Path.

Woh oh-oh-oh
Find the longest path
Woh oh-oh-oh
Find the longest path
And here is an email I got (11/14/02) about this song:

I created the song "Find the Longest Path" that you have posted at
[snip].  I wrote it while a grad student at Johns Hopkins University
on May 1, 1988, during a difficult "Algorithms II" final exam.  I also
recorded the song and it's been played at several mathematics
conferences.  If you wouldn't mind, please credit me as author on your
site. Thanks!

Dan Barrett


Since 1960, ownership of cats in the United States has more than tripled. In that same period of time, crime, drug abuse and interracial marriages have also tripled. Are we led to believe by the liberal media that these scientifically-backed correlations are a matter of simple coincidence? Is there a reason that the Jewish-controlled press has consistently portrayed cats as "cute" or "furry"?

Perhaps it isn't in their interest for us to realize otherwise.

The following is a list of myths perpetuated by the politically correct controllers:

  1. Cats are smart.

    FALSE. The measured cranial capacity of the species Felis Domesticus reveals it to be 78% smaller than the average white male. [Source: "The Litterbox of the Left", National Alliance Press (c) 1995]

  2. Cats are well-liked.

    FALSE. While the elite minority would have you believe this lie, research indicates otherwise. In a recent study, 93% of Americans stated that they do NOT worship cats. In fact, most Americans believe they should all be sent back to Siam, where their nefarious tactics won't adulterate family values. [Source: "New Tender Vittles, or Jew Vendor Titles?", National Alliance Press (c) 1989]

  3. Cats have nothing to hide.

    FALSE. Many mistake their subversive nature for aloofness or independence. In reality, all cats are secretly plotting to rob every white being on this planet of his freedom. Ever wonder why all cats stare at things that aren't there? The media would like us to think that they're confused or chasing insects; in fact, they communicate with the CIA/World Jewish Congress by means of floating radio transmitters. [Source: "Cat's Cradle Robber", National Alliance Press (c) 1991]

  4. Cats are not agents of Jewish subversion.

    FALSE. During the era before Christ when Jews and pagans ruled the earth, cats were worshipped as gods. After the teachings of Christ became law, cats were recognized for their true nature and put to death. It was not until the secular humanists and communists of the Renaissance began their thought-control campaign that cats were again the subject of idol worship.

As you can see, we are fighting an uphill battle exposing the lies of our corrupt government. Until we all take a stand, and proudly demand our right to a country free of felinic influence, this degradation of our nation and our race will continue unchecked.

Assignment in English

This is apocryphal. The class and professor don't exist at SMU. However, I do believe that somewhere, at some time, something like this could happen...

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Assignment: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top- secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

The Young Bride's Handbook


on the Conduct and Procedure of the
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God

by Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his (sic) huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

Spam Ultimate

Hi, even though I use a man's name online, I'm really a collective of between 15 and 20 fabuously attractrive young woman all of whom are seriously interested in fetish culture, modelling, and hot phone sex, we also give psychic readings, and have a sure fire method where you can earn between $15,000 and $900,000, no, make that $100,000 every week, all in the comfort of your own dirt laden hovel. This is a chain letter, if you do not send it to at least 45,000, no, make that 75,000 people at random, you will die -- like in the next 5, no make that 3 minutes.

Although we really don't like phone sex, because that's something which really classy women who advertise on the internet don't do, we'd be willing to do it for you. You can call us yourself and experience all the hot chat you want, for just $5, no, make that $45 every 15 seconds. Or you could just give us your Visa card number, and we will give you incredibly hot chat until we finish accessing your account.

Our web site has our portfolio on it, and if you have any questions about the photographs, we will be happy to answer them -- remember they may look like poorly scanned photographs from Playboy, but that was the artistic "look" that we were trying to achieve. We are not into S&M, but we know you probably are, so that's OK with us. We know you are probably very lonely and desperate, but that's fine. Lonely men with poor grooming habits who don't go out much really turn us on, until we finish accessing your account.

But our real love is the mystical world. How many times have you said to yourself, "I'd really love to get ambiguous, unverifiable advice from a total stranger over the telephone, for only $97, no make that $142 every 5, no make that 3 milliseconds." We guarantee that if you are willing to believe what we tell you, your life will take a turn in a very surprising direction.

And of course we have hundreds of opportunities to earn BIG BUCKS at home in your spare time, for no more of an investment than it would cost to purchase a Rolls Royce, no make that two Rolls Royce, because our legal fees have gone way up due to those 84, no make that 111 fraud suits against us.

If you are interested in any of these great opportunities call us at 1-800-IM-STUPID. That number, again is 1-800-IM-STUPID, no, make that 1-800-IM-INCREDIBLY-STUPID, and remember, mention your checking account number, and we'll throw in, absolutely free, 5 minutes of hot phone sex with a person claiming to be a woman.

Or, check us out on the web at HTTP://www.lots.of.free.sex/no.really/its.not.a.con.game/honestly for the absoulute best in racy girlie pics which probably won't get you thrown in jail anytime within the next fifteen minutes.

For more information about the mystic world of hot pics and conversation while earning millions of dollars at home, please check us out.

Flame Ultimate

...  I guess that morons will be morons.  There is no reasoning with 
them.  So I'll end with a flame:

 [ ] Clueless Newbie  [ ] Lamer      [ ] AOLer
 [ ] "Me too" er      [ ] Pervert    [ ] Geek
 [ ] Spammer          [ ] Nerd       [ ] Elvis
 [ ] Scientologist    [ ] Scammer    [ ] Pre-teen
 [ ] Cryogenic        [ ] Loser      [X] Stupidity Poster Child

You Are Being Flamed Because:
 [ ] You are a LOSER!
 [ ] You are an insignificant peasant!
 [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply.
 [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread.
 [ ] You must be sucking an appendage of some sort.
 [ ] You like sheep way to much.
 [ ] You started an off-topic thread.
 [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message.
 [ ] You replied to the above message type believing it was someone
 [ ] You make no sense. (See sucking an appendage)
 [ ] You said "me too" to something.
 [ ] You suck.
 [ ] You brag about things that never happened.
 [ ] Your sig/alias/server is dreadful.
 [ ] You made up slang then used it in a message.
 [ ] You posted a phone-sex ad.
 [ ] I don't like your tone of voice.
 [ ] You posted a make money quick scam.
 [X] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
     worthless that you are being flamed anyway.

To Repent, You Must:
 [ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
 [ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
 [X] Actually post something relevant
 [ ] Be Senator Exon's love slave
 [ ] Tell your Mommy to up your medication
 [ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month

In Closing, I'd Like to Say
 [ ] Blow me
 [X] Get Wrecked
 [ ] Go tell your mother/father/test tube they failed
 [ ] Get a clue, you pathetic loser
 [ ] Get a life
 [ ] Never post again
 [ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
 [ ] I pity your dog
 [ ] Go to hell
 [ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc...
 [ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
 [ ] Learn to post or get off of Usenet
 [ ] All of the above
Thank you, and have a nice day.

Test in Physics

A true story: A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.

One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Shannon Banyan during my Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, therefore, hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Landing on Mars

Background: The foloowing appeard in the net a few days after a Pathfinder - a mobile vehicle of NASA landed on Mars.

The New Cydonia Times * July 6, 1997
(All the Official PR That Fits)

Air Force Says Reported Spacecraft Was Weather Balloon


CYDONIA MENSAE (AP) -- Spokesmen for the Official Martian Air Force (OMAF) said today that rumors of a crashed alien spacecraft said to have come down in the Ares Vallis desert were entirely false and had been grossly exaggerated by the Martian news media.

Although earlier reports from eyewitnesses along with a preliminary statement by military personnel who visited the alleged crash site suggested that what had landed may have been of extraterrestrial origin, Air Force officials told reporters that materials recovered from the area prove "beyond any possible doubt" that the incident was due to a downed weather balloon released earlier in the week to track dust-storm activity near Olympus Mons.

In a special press conference held late this afternoon at the Pyramid, Col. R.J. "Dusty" Crater held up a fragment of torn fabric recovered from the crash site to prove to reporters that the material could not possibly have been of alien origin. "See," Col. Crater explained, "it's just bits of thin cloth like material. Does this look in any way like part of a spacecraft from another planet? You can all go home now."

Flying saucer buffs and conspiracy theorists were quick to discount the official explanation, however. "We've seen this all before," remarked Walt Hynek, director of the 3,000-member Martian Universal Flying Object Network (MUFON). "This is just the typical official song and dance they always use to distract the media while they cover up the physical evidence. We saw the same thing when something came down back in '76. Now that entire area of Mars is off limits to civilians, so we'll never be able to discover the truth. I think it's about time the public was allowed to know the real story."

Astronomers interviewed by the New Cydonia Times scoffed at the notion that extraterrestrial visitors would land in one of the least interesting regions of Mars. "Why wouldn't they land near something obviously important, like the Great Stone Head, instead of in the middle of a vast desert?" one asked. "No form of advanced intelligence would land where there's nothing of interest to observe but rocks."

Cydonia University astronomer Carl Smajan was equally skeptical. "Where could such a craft possibly come from?" asked Dr. Smajan. "There are simply no planets in the solar system which have an atmosphere like ours. Some people have suggested they could come from Earth, but there's far too much oxygen in the atmosphere there. Any organisms would burn up immediately. This has been proven in laboratory experiments with Martian bacteria."

"We've heard claims of landed alien spacecraft for decades now," Smajan said. "But, I ask you, where is the proof? How come we don't have so much as an alien water extractor on display in the Cydonia National Museum? Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence!"

Alien-contact enthusiasts were unperturbed by such rational arguments, however, contending the evidence must have been taken into custody by military personnel. Rumors and conspiracy theories were running rampant. One wild-eyed witness actually claimed he say a tiny alien space car driving slowly across the desert.

"We'll never win this debate," Col. Crater remarked. "The true believers out there just aren't willing to accept that we're alone in the universe. Nothing we say or do will ever convince them otherwise."

Tales from Technical Support

Well, I just arrived in the office at my usual time, somewhere around 10ish, and the phone rings. That's what I get for trying to take my jacket off first, rather then the phone off the hook.

I consider just ignoring it, but if I don't pick up, it will ring through to the president's house. I don't need to hear from him about being accessible to the clients. Besides, this early, it has to be nothing more then a call for information. I answer the phone:

Me: Technical support. May I help you?

Moron: Yes! I want you to cancel my account!

(I really need this first thing in the morning)
Me, putting on my make nice to the luser persona: What is the problem sir?

Moron, being very belligerent: You said you had 13,000 news groups on your system.

Me: Yes sir we have access to 13,000 or so news groups.

Moron: Well I signed up yesterday, and you said you had 13,000 news groups. I brought up my news reader, and it only downloaded 5800 newsgroups. The only reason I sign up with YOU people was because YOU said you had 13,000 news groups!

(I remember this luser. It took me over 2 hours telling him how to configure win95. I hate him, and he will pay for this)

Me sounding ever so helpful: Yes sir we do have access to them. We just don't subscribe to them all because a good number are in foreign languages, and some are basically duplicate news groups. If....

(This moron then interrupts me. Life as he knows it is about to end)

Soon to be deceased Moron: Don't give me that crap you liar! (oh, he's really put his foot in it), I signed up because you said you had these news groups! You lied to me to get my money! Cancel my account!

Me, still trying to be nice: Sir, if there is a newsgroups you want, and we don't have it, please tell us and we will get it for you.

Moron: Well how the hell am I supposed to know what I want to read, if it isn't there?

Me, trying to determine the best way to exact my revenge on this luser: Sir, we maintain the list on our ftp site, and we explain all this in the "Welcome to our service" E-mail we send you.

Moron: I didn't read that shit, I don't have time to, so I deleted it.

(It's beginning to sound like he deleted a few brain cells too)

Me: Sir, I really think you should reconsider. I spent 2 hours on the phone with you working through the set-up configuration. I really don't want you to quit just because of this slight mis-understanding.

(Like I care he wants to quit. The only reason I want him to stay, is because he hasn't given me his credit card number yet)

Moron: I don't give a fuck about spending 2 hours. As far as i'm concerned, it was a waste of my time! Now cancel my account. *SLAM* (luser slams the phone down)

Hmm. Well, he wants to be canceled, and who am I to argue with him? Let's see...Ahh, here's his account. Hmm, nothing in it but the usual shit, like what he has in his skull. Well, clickity-click rm -r and that's that!

Now to finish the job. Where's that telephone book? Ahh here it is. *flip flip flip* Right! just what I was looking for.

Hello? Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol and Firearms? I want to report some strange things at (I look up the address of the luser) 123 Oak drive.
What is the problem? Well this guy is always ranting about the government, and he has a lot of guns. I think I even saw a machine gun in his garage.
Yes sir, I was in the army. It looked like an M60.
Yes sir, he's always wearing camouflage, and I know he belongs to some right-wing militia group. I think it's called the Skinhead Alliance or something.
He also has these really weird religious practices, and he is constantly hitting his kids
Yes sir, I agree. It's a good thing I called you. Say, isn't your budget due for renewal about now? It is? Well Agent Brooks, it's good to know men like you are here to protect the citizens from these dangerous radicals. My name? I would rather stay out of this if you don't mind. He has friends, and it would be best if they didn't know who I was..
Yes sir, Just trying to help sir. Thank you agent Brooks. Be careful with how you deal with this guy. He's forever saying he will shoot the first federal agent who steps on his property. No thanks are necessary, Just get this lunatic before he hurts someone.
*click* I hang up the phone, and sit back. Well that will teach him to insult me this early in the morning.

The next day, I come in to the office, take the phone off the hook, delete the messages on the answering machine, and make myself comfortable.

Then I read in the paper about how some school teacher was shot the night before by a combine force of FBI and BATF agents. It seems they had a tip that he was going to shoot the president or something. What a coincidence. Still, I think the aircraft rocketing this guys house was a bit much. I think will E-mail cousin Simon and ask if I did the right thing. After all, I am new to this sort of thing, and I want to be the best Support Technician from Hell possible.

Why does 2+2=5?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Why does 2+2=5? I'm close to finishing an M. Sc. in Mathematics, and I still haven't figured it out!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Permit me to suggest that your manifest talent is wasted in a field as restrictive and dogmatic as math when you have the makings of a top management guru. Your main difficulty is to make the transition between two such different fields. Fortunately, there is a discipline (sic) available in all self-respecting modern universtities which not only overlaps both Math and Management, but has the advantage that success in it requires neither the personal contacts of the first nor the rigor of the second. I refer, of course, to economics.

Your first step is to enroll yourself to the Economics faculty. This needs some care; you won't have any trouble from the lecturers and professors - no-one working in a field which invented "seasonal adjustments" and "invisible imports" is going to blink at the sudden appearance of a new masters candidate - but the administrators are another matter. Best do it out of normal hours; Feynman has some useful hints.

Now, your economics thesis. Your incomplete math one will serve nicely as a start, but you'll have to do something about those equations. It's not that they're wrong (they are but don't worry about that just now), it's just that there are too many of them. Economists don't like equations, they prefer human interest stories, though naturally they don't call them anything so understandable. You're a little short of time for a full-scale investigation, but fortunately a "small-scale survey" supplemented by "anecdotal evidence" will do just as well. Intersperse these with the more impressive of the equations from your math thesis, and include it, unedited, as an appendix. Make sure you identify it as "work in progress" (in small print) to explain its incompleteness to anyone who notices. Finally, you need a better title that intrigues without actually being innaccurate, something like "2+2=5? Possible effects of a new paradigm in an academic environment."

The audacity of your central premise will guarantee success - economists are fashion junkies, sorry, they "place a high marginal value on novelty", and you'll be asked to join the faculty. Agree, but but *only on a part-time basis*, because you will need time to oversee your new economics/management consultancy company (which will conversely, of course, gain credibility from your position on the economics faculty). You will have little difficulty acquiring and satisfying clients - business is always on the lookout for someone with an air of authority and independence to reassure them that what they've already decided is the Right Way, and the management consultancy industry exists to service this need.

Only one thing is now needed to achive guru-hood in your new profession: the best-selling book. Dust down that old thesis again, and rewrite it in a popular style. It's not difficult; cut out all the remaining equations, add the amusing tales you've heard when consulting (the corporations can't be identified, of course, but your author profile will mention who you've been "advising", and everyone will have fun trying to match the stories to the companies), simplify and exagerate the human interest, *make it sound as if it's something the person in the office cube needs to know*. Most important, give it a snappy title covering contemporary concerns, eg, "2+2=5! How to Succeed in the New Millenium!"

From now on, your main concern will be which requests and offers to turn down. Lecture tours are OK, honorary professorships do no harm but visiting ones, being paid, are better. You don't advise corporations any longer, but you may be prepared to consider leading seminars for their top management. Instant opinions for the media: CNN is OK, Playboy Channel isn't (sorry about that). You can afford to be consulted by a few presidents and prime ministers - think of it as a loss leader.

Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become involved with the World Bank or even worse with the Federal Reserve Board. No-one likes accountants.

You owe the Oracle 20% of the gross as creative consultant, and another 20% as agent, let me see, by your reckoning that makes 50%.

Microsoft against the Internet Oracle

To: Internet Oracle
From: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.


It has come to our attention that you still continue to spread wild speculations and outright falsehoods regarding one Bill Gates.

As you well know, at no time has Mr. Gates been involved in midnight cauldron-stirring events, world domination plans or intentional bug^H^H^H^H unexpected feature introduction.

Since you have already been warned in the past, you must now cease this behavior immediately. Continued actions on your part will result in the largest legal onslaught in history.

Your latest response, consisting of qouting our entire correspondence followed by the line 'Huh?', does not fool us.

We are quite aware of who you are and what you have been up to. We trust you would like to keep some of the more, uh, intimate details out of the courts of law.

You still have 24 hours to respond before actions commence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.


Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully before commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

NASA, the devil, and Microsoft

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oracle, who is most clever and all that, knowing pretty much everything there is to know etc etc, generally speaking a bit of a brainy box, you know? Can you tell me just how much NASA have spent getting that thing to the planet Mars and just what do they expect to find there ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Actually, you'll be pleased to know the answer is - not a cent of public money. The program is being funded in line with a new government policy to cut taxes, which is that funds are to raised through soul-bartering. It goes like this:

Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator: Damn, it's going to cost a couple of mill to get this little toy buggy thing to Mars. I'd sell my soul for the space program!

*puff of smoke*

The Devil (looking like Ned Flanders): That can be arranged!
Goldin: Satan? You'll give me the money?
The Devil: Sure, sign this paper.
Goldin: (reads, and signs) "To The Prince Of Darkness, in exchange for a space program, One Soul".
The Devil: ... And here's the cash! See you in hell!

Impressed with the efficiency of this plan, other levels of government have been joining in:

Bill Clinton: Damn, those Republicans are going to eat me alive if I can't balance the budget. And the courts are going to roast me over that Paula chick. I'd sell my soul to be out of this mess!

*puff of smoke*

The Devil: That can be arranged!
Clinton: Satan? Gee, thems pointy horns!
The Devil: Sign on the dotted line.
Clinton: (reads, then signs) "To The Prince of Darkness, in exchange for one balanced budget and one not so messy court case, My Soul"
The Devil: Aha! This is fun! See you in hell!

Other prominent leaders are trying it too:
Bill Gates: Hey, I *could* be richer! I'd sell my soul for a total stranglehold on the world!

*no puff of smoke. A sinister voice floats up through the floorboards: Doesn't work twice, Bill!

You owe the Oracle ... your heart and mind, supplicant. (evil laugh)

Crimes - what NOT to do

Florida: Kentucky:
South Carolina: Louisiana: Arkansas: New York: Seattle: Newark: Newark: DEADHEADS THAT WOULD BE ME

Reasons against furry

>>2  Christian churches are okay, furry sites are to be burned down
>>   (also according to the good book)
>Excuse me?  If you can cite me any Bible verse that says anything about
>"furry sites are to be burned down," I will be startled.

>>Still don't believe me?  it's all in the good book.
>I don't believe you, and I've *read* the Bible.  Start quoting me scripture
>verses, and I might start giving you credence.  Make sure to make specific
>references to the New Testament, as that is the foundation of

While not technically in the Bible, such verses are found in the book of Bucky, one of the lost books of the Bible, so Taura's sort of right. I mean, it could have easily been in the Bible, except it was only discovered in 1732 by a goatherder who was trying to hide the body of a rival and stumbled across the tattered scrolls in a long-forgotten cavern in upstate New York. Any day now, a new council could be convened to vote on its inclusion.

In fact, a few sects here and there, chief among them the New Modern Post-Mormonites of Ogden, UT, already include it in their version of the Bible. They are a rare exception, however, and the book of Bucky has been largely forgotten by the Christian world. Oddly enough, a small tribe in Papua New Guinea has made it the entirety of their own version of the Bible. No one knows where they obtained their copy, nor why it's written in Pig Latin. This subject is a sort of hobby of mine, and I've been trying for years to arouse interest in serious study. Anthropologists have thus far expressed little interest in exploring the subject, sadly. They show the blind resistance to new ideas typical of the narrow-minded fools who have been holding back the advance of science for centuries. They give lame excuses like, "You're making this up, right?" and "I told you to stop calling me! The police are tracing this call right now!" and "Was that you outside my window last night, you psycho?" I shall persevere, however, and some day soon, the book of Bucky will take its rightful place alongside Ruth and Ethel. Or is that Esther?

Anyway, the book of Bucky makes numerous references to matters furry, all of them quite negative. Examples (translated by me, (c)1996 -- I know a lawyer, so don't even think of copying me!) follow:

"If any man should read 'Genus,' the wrath of the Lord shall smite him, and the plagues of Egypt shall render him like unto miserable."
-- Bucky 3:18
"Look ye not upon the Press of the Antarctic, for it is an abomination unto My eyes."
-- Bucky 10:13
"Thou shalt not suffer a church of fur to stand. Purify it with cleansing fire, and make thou certain to douse it thoroughly with water before thou doth leave, for oftentimes embers do smoulder unseen. Stir it mightily, then douse it again. Only thou can prevent forest fires."
-- Bucky 12:2-5
"Consort ye not with the lovers of animals, for they are unclean and an abomination unto the Lord. Verily, I know not what I was thinking when I created them."
-- Bucky 15:1-2
It kind of goes on in that vein at length, before veering off into matters of personal hygiene, alfalfa growing, comments on the mating habits of certain migratory birds, and a series of vague prophecies that point to a climactic battle between Pretty Good and Kind Of Wicked which will take place in a small hidden valley in an unexplored region of the Middle Eastern desert, and thus will go unnoticed by the world at large (it'll end in a tie -- sorry to ruin the surprise, but I hate to keep people in suspense). It ends with a couple of recipes for fig bread.

I hope this report will help spread interest in the book of Bucky, and if anyone out there happens to be a practicing anthropologist, you might want to think about studying the McLagla tribe. Please?

Last modified: Tue Apr 21 10:07:15 CDT 2009